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Long story short, “The Five Love Languages” is about helping relationships last and flourish by understanding each person’s communication style when it comes to love. Some individuals like compliments or gifts, others may prefer quality time or favours, but ultimately it is up to us to understand our partners love language.
“Til death to us part”. Those sacred words serve as an unbreakable bond between romantic partners. Yet, as of 2018 those unbreakable bonds seem to break 50% of the time!
Something does not add up as marriage is supposed to be viewed as an act of undying love, yet couples tend to fall apart after this celebration of love. Do we stop trying after the wedding? Does the spark seem to fade away over time? OR have couples been speaking different languages to each other this entire time?
For those who don’t know
Long story short, Gary Chapman is a well renowned relationship counsellor who has a mission to improve long lasting relationships by communicating our Love Languages.
The truth is, there are multiple ways to show and display feelings of affection & love to one another. Just like how there are different dialects like Mandarin, English and Spanish, there are different ways to communicate love depending on each unique individual and their respective relationship.
Every individual requires a certain level of love and affection to sustain their emotional well being. Think of love, like taking care of a plant. You have to make you provide adequate amounts of sunlight and water for the plant to survive. If there’s not enough water or sunlight, the plant would start to shrivel up and dry, however, if there’s too much, the plant would suffocate due to overexposure. Each individual has their own plant, and in relationships, it is in our best interests to keep each other’s plants alive and well.
Several questions still remain, How EXACTLY are we suppose to keep that plant alive?How can we make sure our love lasts and remains strong??
The answer is through communicating our love languages:
Chapman describes how there are five primary love languages each of us possess:
By defining and understanding each other’s love language, communication will flow to strengthen our relationships and make love last. Let’s dive into how each love language is communicated:
Language #1: Words of Affirmation
Simple and straight forward, one of the most common ways to express affection & love is through the thoughtfulness of words. The power of words can either make a situation happily fly off into the sunset or make you tumble down into a bottomless pit of despair.
In relationships, this love language would be beneficial with the use of verbal compliments, encouragement and humble requests. Examples of implementing words of affirmation would be through compliments on positive characteristic traits, accomplishments for achieving certain goals, and asking for humble favours out of love.
Best practices if your partner has this love language:
- Jot down some notes of your partner’s favourite compliments and phrases
- Align your partner’s positive characteristics with words of appreciation
- Compliment when other individuals are in the presence of your partner
Language #2: Quality Time
In a perfect world, we can spend time with our significant others 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year. However, with social media, side projects, full-time jobs, and day to day obligations, we tend to sway us away from our most important relationships. Despite all of this, we still need to prioritize our relationships by giving quality time to them.
While it may seem easy enough, when it comes to spending time with our partners, exactly how much is considered too much? And how much is too little? The beauty of this love language is it doesn’t really matter how much time, as long you provide your significant other an undivided attention when you are together. Being mindful and in the moment is what really counts when you are trying to deliver with this love language. Important aspects of spending quality time would include active listening, such as being sympathetic about your partner’s day without interruption, and incorporating quality activities where you would share unique interests while creating new memories.
Best practices if your partner has this love language:
- Make sure to prioritize and set aside time to spend with your partner
- Plan weekend getaways for a change in scenery
- Try new activities neither of you had tried before to spice up the routine
Language #3: Receiving Gifts
Easily one of the most fun love languages, cause honestly, who doesn’t like receiving gifts! In all seriousness, one of the main reasons why the act of giving and receiving gifts is an enjoyable experience, is because it is a visual representation of your love. Since love is something so ambiguous and hard to define with only words, a physical gift is a great way of providing that symbol of your feelings to your significant other.
For those who struggle a bit more, when finding the right gift for their partner, understand that it does not always depend on how expensive, extravagant, or socially acceptable it is, but rather how symbolic it is to your significant other. No matter what that gift or symbol is, it should always be seen as an investment rather than an expense to your relationship.
Best practices if your partner has this love language:
- Mementos are a great way to personalize gifts
- Sometimes, the gift of your personal presence is appropriate, for surprises + special moments
- Don’t focus on the price tag, focus on the symbolic representation towards your partner
Language #4: Acts of Service
Actions speak louder than words. Nothing is truer when it comes to this specific love language. This love language is the most versatile as it can appear in any form from helping out with the chores around the house, to simply holding the door for your partner.
The way to best communicate an act of service is with a request as opposed to a demand, in order to make it meaningful. An act of service as a request by demand or force, is simply a manipulation tactic which goes against everything when trying to communicate love in a relationship. The acts of services are done genuinely because of how much they love and value your partner.
Best practices if your partner has this love language:
- Help out with the chores if your spouse is having a busy day
- Understand that these are requests, not demands
- Find ways to automate certain tasks to save some time
Language #5: Physical Touch
Probably the most polarizing love language is the language of physical touch. What makes it polarizing is the fact that it can be considered anything from hugging and kissing, to slapping and pushing. With this said, the appropriate level of physical touch is determined by the consent of both parties in the relationship.
Chapman would explain that there are two types of physical touch: explicit and implicit. Explicit is usually when its more direct and takes some time for it understand how to communicate physically with your partner. Some examples would include a back massage, or a foot massage. Implicit physical touch is when it is more subtle and gentle as it usually requires moments of intimacy. For example, holding hands and rubbing shoulders is something more implicit.
Best practices if your partner has this language:
- When in doubt, holding hands is probably your best bet to initiate physical touch
- For long distance relationships, use intimate items for communication such as hand-written letters and Face Timing over the internet
- Understand how to observe facial expressions and body language when responding to certain types of physical touch moment to moment
Summary:
When it comes to making relationships last and keeping that spark alive, it mainly comes down to communication. Everything from how we perceive our partners actions at home to physical touch, boils down to each person’s communication style. If two parties in a relationship have a different love language (probably gonna happen to us most of the time), it is similar to when there is one person speaking Spanish while the other person is speaking Mandarin. Those two individuals would be frustrated with each other so quickly, since they can’t even understand what the other person is saying. What makes it worse, is that by ignoring these communication barriers, we ignore our significant other, while the fate of the relationship is set in stone with an impeding slow death.
If we want our loving relationships to last, we have to get on the same page by identifying and communicating our love languages.
If you would like to give Gary Chapman’s the Five Love Languages a read while supporting the blog feel free to click here:
Sources for this post:
#1: American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/topics/divorce/.
#2: Moody, and LaCroix Design Co. “Dr. Gary Chapman.” The 5 Love Languages®, www.5lovelanguages.com/gary-chapman/.
#3: Chapman, Gary D., and Jocelyn Green. The 5 Love Languages: the Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing, 2017.
